I've recently been diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder(Depressive type) after 3 years of hell. Its hit me hard as i always thought things would turn out better , if you get me. Ive had bad days alot. And some good days. Im on medication , abilfy 15mg , fluxotine 30mg a day and i feel that it just works for a bit then stops. In the past i had taken seroquel which didnt work at all and risperidone which did work but i had bad side effects and had to change drug. Its doing my head in. I just want to get better ! I wish there was a mircle drug or something , something that would take the voices away. The voices are loud and agressive, they tell me to do things that i shouldnt do. Things got so bad i was admitted to a mental health unit for 3 months. I was in a safe place but i got no help with coping and my medication was removed in the process which added insult to injury.

I feel very alone as i have no one to talk to who has the same diagnoses as me, understands me, or understands what i am going through.
I would like to be able to use this forum to meet people who are similarly affected and able to understand and offer support as id like to do the same.

Hi everyone!

I'm new to this site, and I'm not quite sure how everything works around here yet, but I'm hopeful that posting my story here and reading yours will help me deal with my eating disorder.
About two months ago, I started binge eating again. I've tried dealing with it in various ways: dieting, talking about it with friends, not buying candy, basically everything I could think of. I tried keeping a diary, but I only wrote in it once and then gave up/forgot about it. However, I do think I was onto something. So now what I'll do is the following: I'll post the beginning of my story here. Please excuse any errors, English is not my native language (but I try my very best!). Anyway, if things turn out well I'll probably keep writing in my 'diary'. We'll see how it goes. For now, I hope you'll enjoy reading my story.

(all names in this story have been changed)

Diary of a not so anonymous overeater

Dec 18th, 2011

Okay, so it’s happening again. This thing comes and goes, it’s done so for the last two (almost) three years, I think. I used to overeat because I felt uncomfortable and insecure about my weight and size. Now I just feel uncomfortable and insecure in general.
The point of this diary is to keep me from overeating. Right now, it’s not even about gaining weight (although that is an annoying by-factor) anymore, it’s about the fact that I’m muffling away my feelings by stuffing my face. So from now on, each time I get the urge to eat more than necessary, I’ll express my feelings and thoughts right here. I’m doubtful that it will always keep me from overeating, but I must have faith and at least give it a try. So, let’s get started!
This last week I’ve been in overeater’s heaven (or hell?). Yesterday for instance, I felt it necessary to eat 2 boiled eggs, pasta and cheese, about 6 (I’m not joking) peanut butter sandwiches, a can of tuna, cheese, some more cheese and then some pizza. After that I went to a surprise party for my friend Lola. There, I ate some chocolate cake, a shitload of glazed cream puffs, some mini Frankfurt croissants, some chips, and finally some pretzels. Not to mention that there were also quite a lot of alcoholic beverages involved (none of which got me drunk of course, given the amount of food that was currently hijacking my stomach). As if this feast of plenty wasn’t enough, I figured that it wouldn’t be such a bad idea to take a trip to the McDonald’s drive through with Lola and her sister. Back at my place we indulged in our late night snacks, which for me meant eating an ‘American Classic’ (with bacon, yay) and an M&M McFlurry. To top it off, I took two aspirin and drank some water, before passing out on my bed.
Now, you may or may not believe that an 18-year old girl could down that much food and wake up not only alive, but also hungry, but I’m telling you, it’s the truth. I haven’t eaten anything yet, and I’ve been up since 10 am. The explanation is that I have no idea where to start. What should I eat? Should I make myself a large breakfast to keep myself from snacking (read: replacing real food for a huge amount of snacks) throughout the day? Should I start off slow, so that I don’t stretch my stomach too much and wind up eating about 2 times my own body weight in cream puffs again? The truth is, I really don’t know.

There are so many diets out there, so many people telling you what you can and (mostly) can’t eat. When you should eat, where you should eat, how you should eat, what you should do before or after you eat, how you should feel about eating, how you have to stop thinking about food, how you have to think intensively about food… I can keep this up for about 20 more pages, but I’m choosing (in both your interest and my own) not to. Because, and few dare admit it, nobody really knows how to deal with food. It’s like the ocean, we know it’s there, but we barely know anything about it. And still, people continuously write articles about how we have to live with food. Why? Be...

[ Continued ]

I just don't understand my "family". I leave my purse and wallet out on the table and they come and go through it. They just pick my wallet up and flip through my check book. And when I said something my grandmother got mad. She just got mad and smarted me off, then walked away. It's like this all the time, it's like I'm supposed to let them run over me and do or say whatever they want about me or my stuff, and if I say anything I'm a bitch or I don't know what I'm talking about. Honestly it makes me sick just to be here. Sometimes I just feel like I can't take it anymore, like my time is over and I should just commit suicide.

Hi, I'm a new member and have registered in the hope of finding a better understanding and hopefully some peace regarding my intimate relationship with my half sister.

I was adopted at birth and met my biological mother and two half sisters 6 years ago (I was 38 at the time). My two half sisters (the eldest was 28 and the youngest was 25) (and no-one else) never knew of my existence. After my mother disclosed and discussed my "re-appearance" with them, we met for the first time in 2006. From the very first moment, there was a very special bond between my eldest half sister and me. Although I dearly love my youngest half sister and we have a great relationship, which is very supportive and loving, we do not have a physical attraction to each other and we do not share the same level of emotional "understanding" that I share with my eldest half sister.

From the first moment on, my eldest half sister and I shared an amazing bond. I live in a different country to them (my mother and two half sisters), but each time we get to see each other, we have an ability to enter each other's souls in an instant, as if we have never been apart. The "connection" between us has always contained an element of physical attraction, but we never acted on it, nor discussed it. In each other's presence, we were however always stunned by the fact that no-one else picked up on it, since it always felt (and still does) like it was almost "tangible".

In 2008, our relationship became sexual and on each trip since then, we have enjoyed the most amazing intimate moments both she and I have ever experienced. First and foremost, we are truly soul mates and we share an acceptance of each other, that neither of us have ever experienced anywhere else. Our physical relationship is not our primary attraction, but flows from the amazing intimacy we share emotionally. If it were possible and because of society's views regarding relationships like these, we'd choose to exist as "just" half brother and sister, but we both understand that we'd be lying to ourselves if we pretended this to be true.

We are both Christians and love our churches and our communities. I don't have a problem with our relationship in view of my relationship with God, but my sister does struggle with it from time to time. We also understand the consequences (perhaps not fully) of our relationship, both in a community and in our family.

We have not shared our relationship with anyone and my hope is to enter into meaningful discussion regarding our situation, so that I may better understand our options. There is so much more to say, but this will do for a start.

I'm new here, and I'm surprised at myself for actually joining a forum such as this.
I consider it the first step to healing myself.

I go by Tay and I'm 19.
I live in Australia and I'm not good at introducing myself at all.

I'm on this site because I can't keep my cutting a secret. I don't want to anymore...I don't know. I literally feel like I could explode. I just need another person to know this fact about me.

If anyone cares;
I'm not a consistent self harmer. I started when I was about 15 but that was only small cuts that would heal over time. It was only in 2010 when I had my stressful final year of school as well as some problems in the household that I developed a severe anxiety, the desire to cut deeper and a plague of suicidal thoughts.
In 2011, I fell out with most of my friends. I had nothing to do and nowhere to be I stayed home for months; sleeping my days away. All my insecurities got out of control and I starved myself. I felt fat and disgusting. I felt more alone than ever.
Late last year, on two drunken occasions, I just lost the plot grabbed a knife and went for it. No suicidal intentions, even though since then, I keep thinking about ending everything. Wondering why I haven't yet since I don't have much of a life anyway. I really do have nobody who I can trust to tell everything. And I don't think I'll ever have that because I'm generally not big on sharing my feelings.

I do want more than anything for someone to listen to me. I do have people I love, and in turn they don't find me that bad but I just can't go on that level with them. I just know their view of me would change. They'd have this association in the back of their mind 'oh, she cuts herself.'
I can just see it happening that way and I can't shake this fear of being seen differently because of some scars. Nothing scares me more than people seeing the real me. As to why I can pour all this out on the internet is beyond me.

Absolutely no one knows the inner turmoil that's inside. I am very good at avoiding subjects about myself. I am veryvery good at distracting people with their own lives so that they don't have to see what a horrible life I have. Because I'm not an expressive type, I've never been diagnosed for these problems I clearly know I have. I have to say, the best thing about me is my ability to take such pain. I am not scared at all to end things right now but I feel there's something better for me. I'm hoping there is. I also love my father too much to do that to him. It's a scary thought however, that once he's passed on I won't be too far behind.

I feel helpless to myself, to this person that I don't want to be. The fear is crippling and it's getting so hard to keep everything inside.
I just need some help.